Suicide
by Ms. Underhill
Summary: "Suicide ... What an awful word ..."
1. Slash verison

**Title: **Suicide

**Author: **Ms. Underhill

**Pairing: **Merry/Pippin

**Rating: **T (character death, depression, mild language)

**Summary: **_"Suicide ... What an awful word"_

**POV:** Pippin (1st person)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Merry or Pippin (or anyone else in the Lord of the Rings) Everything belongs to Tolkien and credit goes to the cast and crew of Peter Jackson's movie adaption for their influence.

**A/N: **Obviously a slash story, Originally a Dom/Billy fic for LJ, But I have adapted it for LOTR. It's a very dark and horrible story, So if you don't like this sort of thing, hit that back button! It's not very nice.

**PLEASE READ: **This Story has **NOT** had an other chapter added! It is a **ONESHOT** and not a 2 parted story! The reason there are 2 'chapters' is because some people do not like reading Slash; If you are one of those people who prefer Merry and Pippin as friends, skip to chapter two for the non-slash version of this story.

**Dedications: **My Beta Ally xxx

**Suicide ((Slash Version))**

_**Suicide. What an awful word**_. Every time I hear it, every time I read it, every time I say it, every time I think it ... It hurts. It hurts so bad. Its one of those tragic, devastating things that will leave you standing there alone, wondering why ... 'Why did he do it?' That's the question. The question that burns in my mind ... The question that everybody wants to know ... Why did he do it? If I had known the answer, if I could have figured it out, if I never left him alone ... Maybe I wouldn't have lost him ... Maybe I would have my best friend here with me.

Merry was my best friend. He could always make me smile. He could always make things better. He was always happy, too. Always flashing that cheesy grin of his, cracking jokes all the time, doing silly things ... You wouldn't have noticed the pain and hurt hidden deep inside him. I didn't notice at first ... How could I? He did such a good job of hiding it ... They say the eyes are windows to the soul. That can't be right. Merry's ice blue eyes always seemed to shine brightly ... I'd give anything to just look at them again. But, because I knew him so well, because I was his best friend, I did start to notice it. But obviously I was just too late. His smile became a distant memory, his hearty laugh a long gone ghost, his happiness faded into the darkness.

"What's up?" I finally asked him one cold December evening as we walked through the glistening snow towards the Meadow.

He tucked his head into his coat and lifted his shoulders, shrugging off the few snowflakes that had fallen onto him. "Nothing," he said bluntly, his voice muffled by the high collar of his coat.

"Oh really?" I retorted, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Yes, really" He answered, mimicking my clipped accent.

"Mature" I muttered but smiled fondly. At least he was joking around as usual ... Of course I thought it was a good sign ... But I still worried about him.

We soon turned a corner and walked down the small path that led to the frosted fence at the mouth of the meadow. It seems very strange for two tweens to be going to the Meadow in this weather at this time of night. Usually hobbits our age were down at the Green Dragon, but it was just a little thing me and my Merry did. We'd sit on the branches of the old Orchid tree, the stars smiling down at us, our hands red raw as we clung to the spindly branches of the frozen hide-out, the cold air turning my nose a bright red like it always did, but we didn't care. It was our little place; the old Orchid tree at night. By day it seemed a completely different place, but the dark sky revealed fond and dark memories. Me and Merry shared our problems as we sat perched in the tree, we talked about things ... Things we were unsure about, we also told secrets, but I'm not going to tell you what they are. I mean, they are still secrets. But this night, we didn't plan to go to the Meadow, our feet seemed to take us there, as if we needed to go to there tonight.

"The branches are all snowy" Merry commented, nodding in the direction of the tree. It was covered with a thick layer of snow. "We'll be freezing cold if we decide to sit down"

"Too bad," I answered, shoving the snow off with my gloved hands, "This is our place" I said proudly, jumping up onto the fairly damp and slippery branch.

Merry shrugged and clambered to a little canopy just above my usual spot. Merry always sat there. He claimed it a long time ago when we first decided to climb the old Orchid when we were just children. Memories of my childhood came flooding back, and a small smile swept across my face as I looked up at my partner in crime. I guess I must have stared at him for a quite a while in this creepy fashion since Merry broke the silence after a few moments.

"What's your problem?" He asked, looking at me strangely. "My ears are going red, aren't they?"

"No, no" I said quickly, snapping out of a daze. "Well, yes, but that's not what I was looking at"

"What were you staring at then, you odd little hobbit?" He gave me a suspicious look.

"Stop it!" I almost snorted with laughter. "You know that face makes me laugh!"

"That's why I'm doing it" Merry said, his lips pursed together and his eyes narrowed; he was still doing the face.

"Stop it!" I managed to gasp, the laughter getting the better of me.

"Never" Merry spoke in an emotionless tone, obviously still pulling that infamous face.

"Well then!" I huffed, still giggling, "take this!" I announced and launched a snowball right at him.

Merry's jaw dropped, it was as if he couldn't believe I just sent a snowball hurling towards him. "Cheeky bastard!" He scoffed, still a surprised yet amused look on his face "Cheeky little bastard!" He said again and sent a spray of snow at me from a branch just above my head.

I shielded my face from the storm of snow and winced lightly as the freezing cold wave touched my bare wrist and the side of my neck. "Okay! Okay!" I halted, a grin plastered on my face. "Are we even?"

"Yes, we are now" Merry nodded triumphantly.

... That was the last time I ever saw him smiling again ... To be fair, It wasn't that long after our little play in the snow that I lost him. But it wasn't the last I saw him, the last time I ever saw my Merry - alive.

... "I don't think I'm going to Bag End," I admitted, tossing the half-packed bag onto the settee.

"Why?" Merry asked, looking fairly concerned over his cup of tea.

"I'm worried about you, Merry." I slumped down next to my bag with a huff. "Why won't you tell me what's up?"

Merry sighed and made his way over to the settee. "Why are you getting so worried?" He asked, crawling up next to me and resting his arm on my shoulder.

"I don't know" I mumbled "Because your my best friend ... Because I care about you"

"Don't worry about me, Pip," he said, those crystal blue orbs glittering as he look up at me through the curls of golden.

A small smile came across my face, but it faded just as fast as it came. "But I do worry about you!" I persisted, pressing my clenched fist into my cheek, propping myself up. "You're scaring me!"

"Your paranoid! Just listen to me!" Merry said, a drive in his voice. "Your going to see cousin Frodo in Bag End! You deserve it! How long has it been, what, 9 months since you've seen him? You deserve to go!" He spoke with a passionate tone.

"Come with me?" I tried to tell him, but it came out as a beg.

Merry sighed heavily "You know I cant leave Brandyhall" He reminded me "Not with my father being in the state he is. Ma's got enough on her plate as it is. I gotta stay and help her out"

I sank back into the settee and sighed with defeat and mumbled a reluctant "Okay"

Merry gently patted my shoulder and smiled warmly  
"Don't worry about me! You trust me right? I'll be here Monday, when you get back! And I promise I'll be happier! Much happier than you ..."

... That was the last time I saw him. That night. Before I went. I wish I never ever went. Maybe he wouldn't have done it if I was there. But he did do it. I did leave. It did all happen ... I remember coming home. I was so excited to see him. After all, he promised he'd be happy when I got back.

"Merry! I'm back!" I shouted into the hobbit hole, scanning the living room for him. "Merry?" I called again, wandering into the kitchen. Then, It hit me ... what had happened ... "Merry!" I breathed and I darted down the hall, screaming his name frantically as I ran as fast as I possibly could to his room. I burst in without knocking, my heart beating so loud and fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest and then, my eyes fell on him ... He laid there, a dagger piercing his chest, his pale hand wrapped tightly around the body of the weapon, cool thickening blood coated his floaty white shirt where he had stabbed himself, his beautiful eyes lifeless ... Peaceful and that's when it became clear ...

_"Don't worry about me! You trust me right? I'll be here Monday, when you get back! And I promise I'll be happier! Much happier than you ..."_

I understood what he meant ...

"Oh Merry" I choked, tears clouding my eyes as I slowly stepped through the room towards him. I knelt by his bed and gently pulled the dagger out of his chest and slid my hand into his, channeling warmth into his cold skin. I tried to hold back the tears, but they just flooded from my eyes, streaming down my cheeks and dripping onto my shirt. Then, I noticed a small note. I pick it up and read the last words of my best friend:

_Dear Pippin,_

_I'm sorry. I am so so so sorry. I love you, I will always love you ... But not in a friend way ... More than that. And I'm so sorry I never told you before. I just need you to know that this is not your fault! I just needed the pain to go away ... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I am so sorry._

_Love, Your Merry._

After that, everything seemed to go so fast ... The awful job of telling the family, constantly being mobbed by my friends, all begging to know all the gory details of what I saw ... The only time that truly mattered after the death of my Meriadoc, was his funeral. The few family and friends he actually cared about draped in black, everyone cried. Even the sky bled stinging tears. I remember trying to look over at my older cousin, Frodo. But I couldn't. All the memories we shared with Merry ... All the things we did and the stuff we got up too. But the thing was, Frodo had Samwise; his faithful gardener and trusty friend to get him through this dark time. Who did I have? My best friend had gone ... It sounds so stupid, but I wrote a note back to him ... I poured my heart out, I felt like we were at the Orchid again and Merry was sat right next to me, ready to hear what I had to say;

_Dear Merry, the hobbit I never knew I loved..._

_Merry, I miss you. I miss you so much its unreal! I wish you hadn't left me all alone, why did you leave me? You said you'd be here when I get back ... Well, you were but that's not what I thought you meant ... I need you, I need you so badly. Whenever bad things happened, you always made things right ... But your happy now, aren't you? And to me, that's all that matters. I will live on for both of us and I love you forever, in more than a friend way too. I wish I could have told you sooner ... One day, I'll join you. You said you'll see me Monday, I will forever be waiting for that Monday to come._

_I love you, Merry. Forever and always,_

_Love, Pippin_

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I often visit Brandyhall to see the family. Pearl once asked how could I cope going there after what happened. But the thing is, I don't just remember what he did that December. I remember all the things we did before that. All the happy memories we shared together. That's what stuck with me, But I can never forget. No matter how many good times I recall. Whenever I walk past his room to go to the bathroom, I will always remember what he did. But there is still one thing I don't understand to this day. Why did you do it, Merry? Why?


	2. Non Slash verison

**Title: **Suicide

**Author: **Ms. Underhill

**Rating: **T (character death, depression, mild language)

**Summary: **_"Suicide ... What an awful word"_

**POV:** Pippin (1st person)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Merry or Pippin (or anyone else in the Lord of the Rings) Everything belongs to Tolkien and credit goes to the cast and crew of Peter Jackson's movie adaption for their influence.

**A/N: **It's a very dark and horrible story, So if you don't like this sort of thing, hit that back button! It's not very nice.

**PLEASE READ: **This is NOT a second chapter! This is the NON SLASH version!

**Dedications: **My Beta Ally xxx

**Suicide**

_**Suicide. What an awful word**_. Every time I hear it, every time I read it, every time I say it, every time I think it ... It hurts. It hurts so bad. Its one of those tragic, devastating things that will leave you standing there alone, wondering why ... 'Why did he do it?' That's the question. The question that burns in my mind ... The question that everybody wants to know ... Why did he do it? If I had known the answer, if I could have figured it out, if I never left him alone ... Maybe I wouldn't have lost him ... Maybe I would have my best friend here with me.

Merry was my best friend. He could always make me smile. He could always make things better. He was always happy, too. Always flashing that cheesy grin of his, cracking jokes all the time, doing silly things ... You wouldn't have noticed the pain and hurt hidden deep inside him. I didn't notice at first ... How could I? He did such a good job of hiding it ... They say the eyes are windows to the soul. That can't be right. Merry's ice blue eyes always seemed to shine brightly ... I'd give anything to just look at them again. But, because I knew him so well, because I was his best friend, I did start to notice it. But obviously I was just too late. His smile became a distant memory, his hearty laugh a long gone ghost, his happiness faded into the darkness.

"What's up?" I finally asked him one cold December evening as we walked through the glistening snow towards the Meadow.

He tucked his head into his coat and lifted his shoulders, shrugging off the few snowflakes that had fallen onto him. "Nothing," he said bluntly, his voice muffled by the high collar of his coat.

"Oh really?" I retorted, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Yes, really" He answered, mimicking my clipped accent.

"Mature" I muttered but smiled fondly. At least he was joking around as usual ... Of course I thought it was a good sign ... But I still worried about him.

We soon turned a corner and walked down the small path that led to the frosted fence at the mouth of the meadow. It seems very strange for two tweens to be going to the Meadow in this weather at this time of night. Usually hobbits our age were down at the Green Dragon, but it was just a little thing me and my Merry did. We'd sit on the branches of the old Orchid tree, the stars smiling down at us, our hands red raw as we clung to the spindly branches of the frozen hide-out, the cold air turning my nose a bright red like it always did, but we didn't care. It was our little place; the old Orchid tree at night. By day it seemed a completely different place, but the dark sky revealed fond and dark memories. Me and Merry shared our problems as we sat perched in the tree, we talked about things ... Things we were unsure about, we also told secrets, but I'm not going to tell you what they are. I mean, they are still secrets. But this night, we didn't plan to go to the Meadow, our feet seemed to take us there, as if we needed to go to there tonight.

"The branches are all snowy" Merry commented, nodding in the direction of the tree. It was covered with a thick layer of snow. "We'll be freezing cold if we decide to sit down"

"Too bad," I answered, shoving the snow off with my gloved hands, "This is our place" I said proudly, jumping up onto the fairly damp and slippery branch.

Merry shrugged and clambered to a little canopy just above my usual spot. Merry always sat there. He claimed it a long time ago when we first decided to climb the old Orchid when we were just children. Memories of my childhood came flooding back, and a small smile swept across my face as I looked up at my partner in crime. I guess I must have stared at him for a quite a while in this creepy fashion since Merry broke the silence after a few moments.

"What's your problem?" He asked, looking at me strangely. "My ears are going red, aren't they?"

"No, no" I said quickly, snapping out of a daze. "Well, yes, but that's not what I was looking at"

"What were you staring at then, you odd little hobbit?" He gave me a suspicious look.

"Stop it!" I almost snorted with laughter. "You know that face makes me laugh!"

"That's why I'm doing it" Merry said, his lips pursed together and his eyes narrowed; he was still doing the face.

"Stop it!" I managed to gasp, the laughter getting the better of me.

"Never" Merry spoke in an emotionless tone, obviously still pulling that infamous face.

"Well then!" I huffed, still giggling, "take this!" I announced and launched a snowball right at him.

Merry's jaw dropped, it was as if he couldn't believe I just sent a snowball hurling towards him. "Cheeky bastard!" He scoffed, still a surprised yet amused look on his face "Cheeky little bastard!" He said again and sent a spray of snow at me from a branch just above my head.

I shielded my face from the storm of snow and winced lightly as the freezing cold wave touched my bare wrist and the side of my neck. "Okay! Okay!" I halted, a grin plastered on my face. "Are we even?"

"Yes, we are now" Merry nodded triumphantly.

... That was the last time I ever saw him smiling again ... To be fair, It wasn't that long after our little play in the snow that I lost him. But it wasn't the last I saw him, the last time I ever saw my Merry - alive.

... "I don't think I'm going to Bag End," I admitted, tossing the half-packed bag onto the settee.

"Why?" Merry asked, looking fairly concerned over his cup of tea.

"I'm worried about you, Merry." I slumped down next to my bag with a huff. "Why won't you tell me what's up?"

Merry sighed and made his way over to the settee. "Why are you getting so worried?" He asked, crawling up next to me and resting his arm on my shoulder.

"I don't know" I mumbled "Because your my best friend ... Because I care about you"

"Don't worry about me, Pip," he said, those crystal blue orbs glittering as he look up at me through the curls of golden.

A small smile came across my face, but it faded just as fast as it came. "But I do worry about you!" I persisted, pressing my clenched fist into my cheek, propping myself up. "You're scaring me!"

"Your paranoid! Just listen to me!" Merry said, a drive in his voice. "Your going to see cousin Frodo in Bag End! You deserve it! How long has it been, what, 9 months since you've seen him? You deserve to go!" He spoke with a passionate tone.

"Come with me?" I tried to tell him, but it came out as a beg.

Merry sighed heavily "You know I cant leave Brandyhall" He reminded me "Not with my father being in the state he is. Ma's got enough on her plate as it is. I gotta stay and help her out"

I sank back into the settee and sighed with defeat and mumbled a reluctant "Okay"

Merry gently patted my shoulder and smiled warmly  
"Don't worry about me! You trust me right? I'll be here Monday, when you get back! And I promise I'll be happier! Much happier than you ..."

... That was the last time I saw him. That night. Before I went. I wish I never ever went. Maybe he wouldn't have done it if I was there. But he did do it. I did leave. It did all happen ... I remember coming home. I was so excited to see him. After all, he promised he'd be happy when I got back.

"Merry! I'm back!" I shouted into the hobbit hole, scanning the living room for him. "Merry?" I called again, wandering into the kitchen. Then, It hit me ... what had happened ... "Merry!" I breathed and I darted down the hall, screaming his name frantically as I ran as fast as I possibly could to his room. I burst in without knocking, my heart beating so loud and fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest and then, my eyes fell on him ... He laid there, an dagger piercing his chest, his pale hand wrapped tightly around the body of the weapon, cool thickening blood coated his floaty white shirt where he had stabbed himself, his beautiful eyes lifeless ... Peaceful and that's when it became clear ...

_"Don't worry about me! You trust me right? I'll be here Monday, when you get back! And I promise I'll be happier! Much happier than you ..."_

I understood what he meant ...

"Oh Merry" I choked, tears clouding my eyes as I slowly stepped through the room towards him. I knelt by his bed and gently pulled the dagger out of his chest and slid my hand into his, channeling warmth into his cold skin. I tried to hold back the tears, but they just flooded from my eyes, streaming down my cheeks and dripping onto my shirt. Then, I noticed a small note. I pick it up and read the last words of my best friend:

_Dear Pippin,_

_I'm sorry. I am so so so sorry. I love you, I will always love you ... you are my best friend in the whole world ... I just need you to know that this is not your fault! I just needed the pain to go away ... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I am so sorry._

_Love, Your Merry._

After that, everything seemed to go so fast ... The awful job of telling the family, constantly being mobbed by my friends, all begging to know all the gory details of what I saw ... The only time that truly mattered after the death of my Meriadoc, was his funeral. The few family and friends he actually cared about draped in black, everyone cried. Even the sky bled stinging tears. I remember trying to look over at my older cousin, Frodo. But I couldn't. All the memories we shared with Merry ... All the things we did and the stuff we got up too. But the thing was, Frodo had Samwise; his faithful gardener and trusty friend to get him through this dark time. Who did I have? My best friend had gone ... It sounds so stupid, but I wrote a note back to him ... I poured my heart out, I felt like we were at the Orchid again and Merry was sat right next to me, ready to hear what I had to say;

_Dear Merry,_

_Merry, I miss you. I miss you so much its unreal! I wish you hadn't left me all alone, why did you leave me? You said you'd be here when I get back ... Well, you were but that's not what I thought you meant ... I need you, I need you so badly. Whenever bad things happened, you always made things right ... But your happy now, aren't you? And to me, that's all that matters. I will live on for both of us and I will always have a special place in my heart for you. You'll never stop being my best friend. Nobody can replace you. I wish I could have had you around longer... One day, I'll join you. You said you'll see me Monday, I will forever be waiting for that Monday to come._

_I love you, Merry. Forever and always,_

_Pippin_

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I often visit Brandyhall to see the family. Pearl once asked how could I cope going there after what happened. But the thing is, I don't just remember what he did that December. I remember all the things we did before that. All the happy memories we shared together. That's what stuck with me, But I can never forget. No matter how many good times I recall. Whenever I walk past his room to go to the bathroom, I will always remember what he did. But there is still one thing I don't understand to this day. Why did you do it, Merry? Why?


End file.
